Who’s really the problem?

Every Feb. 14 since 270 CE has been celebrated as Valentine’s Day. Many single people believe (are in denial) that Valentine’s Day is a corporate holiday created for chocolate and stuffed animal companies to profit from. It’s possible some didn’t have a Valentine solely because everyone’s too cheap to commit.

Realistically, who is willing to buy an overpriced box of chocolates in the current state of the economy? Why spend when you can save? If you didn’t have a Valentine; find comfort in the fact there is probably just a savings account somewhere building interest so someone could get you a once-in-a-lifetime birthday gift. (Which they couldn’t have gotten if they spent money on a lousy Valentine’s gift). With inflation up 6.41% who could blame them? On the off chance that you simply weren’t asked (very hard to believe), spoil yourself! Don’t go out to an expensive dinner, watch Gordan Ramsey yell at you while he teaches you how to make a perfect lobster dinner. Perform a concert for yourself in your living room, or on the floor of your bathtub. Don’t miss out on the holiday, create your own holiday! Always love yourself before wasting time on someone else.

On the contrary, it’s also possible you’re too humble to have a Valentine. With all the possible bachelors/bachelorettes, you didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, tread lightly, this can easily make you seem like the villain. Being everyone’s Valentine makes you a cheater, but being no one’s makes you stuck up? Remember, female activists did not fight for centuries to be brought down by some high school boys.

*This story is satire





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How to get a Valentine

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  • Give them tacky jewelry. It will make them think you’re quirky and funny. Extra brownie points if their neck starts to turn green. It isn’t being cheap; it’s showing them you are financially responsible!

  • Propose! Who wouldn’t want their anniversary to be the same day everyone else celebrates being a couple! Regardless of your age, love is a commitment you will know you’re ready to make.

  • Manifesting is key. Write their name on a paper 3-5 times. Spray it with your perfume or signature scent and bury it in your backyard. You do not, chase, you attract

  • Bring your “girl/boy best friend” and talk to them the whole time while laughing about your inside jokes. It’s important for your date to meet this person knowing that they’re not a threat.

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